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My husband is a good father, a good provider (he earns six figures at a big law firm), but he hasn't touched me sexually in years. He faded away in that department about ten years ago. Today I found that he has an extensive set of Internet porn files and chat emails on our home computer. I am stunned and feel soiled. What do I do?

Your reaction is normal when you discover this type of thing. Most women feel violated, hurt and angry. When you say “faded away”, I assume you are referring to the inability to get or maintain an erection? Note I stay away from referring to an “inability to perform”, since men, and lawyers particularly, feel pressure to “perform” every day . Ten years ago, did you have any conversation about these problems? Today, with medication, many men are returning to happy healthy sexual lives with their partners. If this problem persisted for ten years, I am baffled why there was never any conversation about the problem when there are solutions today. That being said, it would be unusual to learn that he has been masturbating while chatting or viewing porn and if confronted is likely to tell you, it is normal behavior. It may be easier for him, a quick process, take less time and no commitment, but it is not normal. He could be addicted to sex this way. There are two parts to this problem: 1) Whether or not he is willing to discuss it with you and then seek help. And 2) How to take care of yourself and not lose your own self esteem. Deal with your anger and talk to a professional.

By Dr. Fiona Travis, psychologist, author of Should You Marry a Lawyer?

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