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A few months ago, I found out that my husband of seven years has been having an affair with one of his firm’s paralegals. I always thought my husband was faithful, and that we had a good marriage. When I found out what was going on, I was furious and told him to hit the road. He says he loves me and only me, and would never hurt me again. I truly want to believe him. My main problem is that I cannot get the picture of the two of them together out of my head. I find it very hard to get close to him because of this, and I don't know if I will ever get beyond it. I’m nearly 44, and I’m afraid to go back to the dating scene again. But, can I really stay in a relationship with a man when I constantly picture his infidelity in my mind, and I honestly don't know if I will EVER trust him again. I cry a lot. Can you help me?

Ah, the mind is our worst enemy. Men can do this better than women because their brain really does work differently when it comes to emotional memory. You are hurt, but it is the dream that has been shattered; the one about being his one and only forever and ever. Women can obsess about the other woman and as one of my clients said “ I am giving her way too much free rent in my head”. Do not ask for the details of this affair and if you are going to picture them together, picture a disaster or two. You are assuming that their sex was great together. Reinvest in your own sexuality. Then if you are going to use your imagination, use it to your advantage. Pretend you are in a competition with this paralegal and everyone in his office voted you the winner, hands down. Play this winning video, instead of the one you have been playing over and over again. It takes time, but it will make a difference. Yes, you can pick up the pieces and take him back provided this is the only problem in the marriage. At 44, life is far from over, but nobody I know likes to get back into the dating scene, regardless of age. Know that you could, if you had to, but for now you are not choosing that option. He can help if he means what he says and really loves you. Tell him he has to win you back. He needs to do lots a reassuring, tell you where he is and what he is doing, and compliment you on how you look, how sexy you are and how much he really cares about you. By Dr. Fiona Travis, psychologist, author of Should You Marry a Lawyer?				You need to see if you can change the reels in your head. Do you care enough about the S.O.B. to try a weekend away with him? If so, then take two or three days to figure out if what you had is worth saving and if what you still might have is worth the work. Once lost, trust takes time to rebuild. Take a good long look at the guy you married and decide if the risks and rewards are worth the investment. By Amanda, JD, a California bar advisor

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