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I am a married male associate at a big law firm in the city. Like most associates at firms like mine, I work very long hours. My wife and I work very hard at my marriage to keep the stresses of firm life from interfering with our relationship. Recently, however, a problem has arisen at work that I don't know how to deal with. For some time now, I have been on a complex case with a small team of lawyers. I work closely with the members of my team for long hours. One of the members – a senior female associate – is making it clear that she has romantic feelings for me. I am not concerned that I can’t resist temptation. I know that my love for, and commitment to, my wife is strong enough that I will not make any advances toward my colleague. The question is ... if and when my colleague makes a sexual advance, how can I reject her in a professional manner? I am extremely nervous about this possibility because the rejection will be extremely awkward and embarrassing for both of us and I don't want to act in a way that will cause problems with my career and give me a bad reputation.

This is always awkward and I think it is admirable that you are being sensitive to the feelings of your female colleague. Trust your strength that I hear in your words about your marital commitment. Your tone, when you refuse her advances, will be very important in how she hears you and can save face for you both. Be kind, but strong. If you speak tentatively, she may not believe that you are as committed as you say. You only want to have this conversation ONE time. Although hurt, most women respect a man who does not want to cheat on his wife. Something like “ I think you are very attractive and had we met at another time, perhaps we might have explored a relationship. But I love my wife dearly and I am sure if you were my wife, you would appreciate my remaining faithful. Thank you; I am flattered and I am looking forward to continuing to work with you. “ Remember the tone is important, so practice what you are going to say so you will not be caught off guard. By Dr. Fiona Travis, psychologist, author of Should You Marry a Lawyer?				Dear Hunk. Why have you let things go so far that you must strong arm your colleague? It really takes two to flirt. Have you mentioned how the senior associate’s hair, perfume, shoes [pick one], remind you of your wife, [insert name]? Then compliment your co-worker on her good taste and mention that she must meet [insert name]. She’s smart. She’ll get the message, and both of you will save face (not to mention your marriage and both jobs). By Amanda, JD, a California bar advisor

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