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You don’t have to have sex to cheat on your marriage

Gary Neuman, marital therapist and author of Emotional Infidelity, says the reasons for extramarital relationships don’t change from one generation to the next; what changes are the means to get away with it. These days, some busy professionals conduct their secret relationship via e-mail or cell phone. “You don’t have to have sex to cheat on your marriage,” he says. Indeed, emotional infidelity can actually be more destructive to a marriage than a sexual encounter. Even though our culture treats sex as the main culprit, emotional infidelity generally is more threatening. If you experience any of the following signs, your spouse may be having an emotional affair.

• They avoid intimate time with you.
  
• They’ve pulled away from their marriage and responsibilities.
  
• They spend an increasing amount of time confiding in their new “friend.”
  
• They prefer to socialize in a group where the “other” is also present.
  
• They claim to have told you important things when they really told the “friend.”

Such emotional intimacies, says Neuman, can lead to a sexual encounter. The likelihood is even greater if alcohol is involved. The partner having the emotional affair (and it can either be the lawyer or the spouse) usually knows the relationship is not good for their marriage, but will often deny it because it hasn’t crossed the line into a sexual relationship. Such was the case with Martin, a solo practitioner who got more than he bargained for with his part-time legal secretary, Sharon.

After several months, Martin and Sharon started having lunch together on occasion.

“No big deal,” Martin thought. “Just an opportunity to discuss cases.”

Soon, the two were having lunch every day, even on his secretary’s days off. And while neither of them criticized their spouses, Martin and Sharon found themselves talking at a more personal level. Once, some colleagues of Martin invited the two of them for a drink after work. This, too, became a routine. And if Martin happened to get home late, he shrugged off his wife’s complaints, telling her he needed a little time after work to unwind with colleagues. Martin’s wife suspected something, but couldn’t put her finger on it. The clincher came when Martin sent his secretary to pick up his daughter at school. His wife was furious. Martin defended his secretary, saying, “You should be grateful. She’s only trying to be a good friend to both of us”. One night, after a few after-work drinks, Martin and Sharon returned to the office to finish some work. They didn’t get any further than the office couch. And while they didn’t have sex, Martin and Sharon knew it was more than a casual friendship.

The Lesson: How do you know if you’re having an emotional affair? If you would be embarrassed or ashamed for your spouse to read a copy of the e-mails you sent to your “friend,” or if he or she happened to over your cell phone conversations with your “friend.”

By Fiona Travis, PhD, an excerpt from Should You Marry a Lawyer? A Couple’s Guide to Balancing Work, Love & Ambition (DecisionBooks 2003)

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