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Years ago, a new phrase entered the language – yuppies, or young urban professionals. Soon after, we heard about dinks – dual-income, no-kids couples.

Now, a new one – DINS, dual-income, no-sex. The basis of DINS is new research that suggests that 16 per cent of married couples – especially busy, dual-career marriages – fail to have sex at least once a month, which researchers say can be a precursor of unhappiness and divorce. Clinically, the problem is known as Inhibited Sexual Desire, or hypoactive sexual desire, a very-real condition marked by the inability to muster any interest in sex (though therapists commonly encounter patients who find it easier to make love with relative strangers than with a spouse). By varying estimates, anywhere from 20 to 50 percent of the general population may experience ISD at some time, to some degree.

Whether the frequency of sex in marriage really has diminished, or we’re just talking about it more, it is true that sexual problems are a common complaint among lawyer couples. Nor is difficult to understand why – stress, depression, fatigue, long hours, marital discord, and a more elusive source ... a fear of intimacy. In two-career marriages there is yet another explanation – an underlying power struggle that spills over into the bedroom.

Consider the marriage of Tom and Denise:

Tom is an artist and musician, Denise a highly placed government lawyer. Before they got married, they were a fun-loving young couple who had a healthy sex life. Now, a serious professional and the main wage-earner, Denise rarely has a morning kiss for her husband, sees sex as an obligation, and spends every available minute with their two-year-old. “I love Tom’s gentle soul,” she says, “but he doesn’t really share my drive or my ambition for financial success. I think I’ve lost respect for him.”

In its own way, the sexual side of Sandra and Brad’s marriage is also lacking. Married 16 years with two teenagers, Sandra and Brad are typical of other lawyer couples who put time and energy into every adult role but one – lover. The couple hasn’t been intimate with one another for nearly a year, and neither has the courage to bring up the subject. “Brad isn’t affectionate,” complains Sandra, “and he’s not at all romantic. He never tells me I’m pretty or sexy. And it hurts too much when he says he’s too tired to make love, so I’ve stopped asking.” Brad has a different perspective on their love life. “I can’t believe Sandra doesn’t see me as romantic. You will not find a more romantic thinker than I am.”

And therein lies their problem – lawyer Thinking types really believe that romantic thinking is being romantic.” Sandra doesn’t want a thinker, she wants action.

Tom and Denise, Brad and Sandra are like so many busy lawyer couples. Their sexual relationship changes with their new roles and professional responsibilities, and the only way out of the dilemma is greater communication.

By Fiona Travis, PhD, an excerpt from Should You Marry a Lawyer? A Couple’s Guide to Balancing Work, Love & Ambition (DecisionBooks 2003)

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