Our Newest Books

 
In lawyer families, it’s difficult for children to express their anger. They may get accustomed to the lawyer’s argumentative style, but they seldom get comfortable with anger, yours or their own. So, it is not surprising when kids say, “I get scared when daddy yells” ... or, “I don’t want mommy to be mad at me”. The children of lawyers are often on the receiving end of anger, yet they report that if they become angry themselves, it is unacceptable. “Mom gets upset if I raise my voice,” they’ll say, or, “My dad always says, ‘Don’t talk to me that way, young man!’”

Anger is a two-way street. That means that parents must be resilient enough to take anger when it is directed at them, and know how to express it without creating chaos or deep, lasting hurt. Kids need to know that their anger is normal, and that expressing it is acceptable. Children naturally defend themselves. But they also learn by observation. And the way you and your partner deal with anger, and your reaction to your children, make a more lasting impression than you know.

A few things to remember about kids and anger:

Apologize when necessary – If you are aware that you have frightened your child, apologize for being scary, but not for being angry. It is OK to tell your child that the way you expressed your anger was not the best way, and that you are working on controlling your temper.

Be careful of misdirected anger – If your anger was really intended for someone or something else, say to them,“I was really angry at ... not you. I am sorry. That was not fair. I did not like your behavior, but you did not deserve how upset I became.”

Allow your child to be angry – Slamming doors is not all that bad. But if you do not like that option, suggest another outlet for releasing the energy. (Note: One of my sons did push-ups whenever he was angry, and our other son liked to slam a tennis racket on his bed.) As for your own anger, find an outlet of your own. Hitting another person is not an acceptable outlet. Remember, you are the adult in an angry interaction with your children. Act like one.

Encourage your children to be expressive – Saying things like, “Don’t talk back”, or, “Don’t ever talk to me that way”, only fuels on the fire. A time-out works for children of all ages. For older children and teens, the following statement gets time-out for both of you. Say, “I know you’re upset right now, so let’s talk when you and I both calm down.”

By Fiona Travis, PhD, an excerpt from Should You Marry a Lawyer? A Couple’s Guide to Balancing Work, Love & Ambition (DecisionBooks 2003)

Return to Family Essays Index