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Anger is the feeling with which most lawyers and spouses claim difficulty. It’s the one feeling that brings most lawyer couples to therapy, and the one that spouses and their children have the greatest difficulty expressing ... especially to the lawyer. On the other hand, lawyers report that anger is the one emotion they feel and express the most. Such was the case of Lawyer John Morton.

John and his wife, Lisa, were in counseling, but for one session he asked his teen-aged daughter, Lola, to accompany him. John feared that his anger was jeopardizing the closeness he once shared with his daughter. During their session, he apologized, and tried to explain. “Lola,” he said, “you need to understand how I’m wired. I feel you pulling away, and my sadness comes out as anger even before I know it.” This is not an uncommon scene. Lawyers are simply more comfortable with expressing anger, and less so with expressing their fear or sadness. As for you and the children, it’s probably the opposite. So many times, family members will say, “Why bother (getting angry)? It’ll just end up in a big argument, and I’ll end up feeling beat up. I can’t win against a lawyer, so I just keep quiet.”

Why would this dynamic be so prevalent in lawyer families? Because the same qualities that worrk for John and other lawyers makes things problematic for their spouses and children.

For example, if a lawyer is a perfectionist, it sets a pretty high bar for spouse and kids to meet. If a lawyer is especially logical and rational, the family may not be able to count on getting emotional support. Pick any lawyer attribute you like, and, at some time in your relationship, it is likely that you will became angry that your lawyer did not meet your expectations or provide the support you believe you needed at that time. And when things don’t go the way we want them to go, anger is the normal response. Remember, lawyers are more comfortable with anger than with fear or sadness. It’s their personality, and those law school lessons that they learned so well – Don’t let yourself be vulnerable ... don’t go soft ... don’t show the opposing counsel any fear or you’re toast.

Changing the way the family operates – that is, helping your lawyer express feelings other than anger, and finding ways so you and the children can express your own anger – won’t be easy, but it is possible. Of course, if the emotional climate in the house is not safe to discuss these issues, seek counseling. Anger is only part of the problem. The greater damage is done when the anger festers.

The Lesson: Feelings come in layers. The more we peel away, the closer we come to core emotions. For many lawyers, anger is just another layer covering deep sadness or fear. Over time, you’ll learn which feelings are hardest for your lawyer to face. For now, just remember: an angry lawyer is an anxious lawyer.

By Fiona Travis, PhD, an excerpt from Should You Marry a Lawyer? A Couple’s Guide to Balancing Work, Love & Ambition (DecisionBooks 2003)

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