Our Newest Books

 
I never thought this would happen to me.

With those words, a female lawyer for a large Chicago firm, began confiding about the extramarital affair she didn’t go looking for but fell into anyway.

“I never thought this would happen to me,” she said. “I consider myself happily married, or at least as happy as anyone is these days. But John and I are work-partners in our firm. We handle cases together, eat lunch together, and have drinks together after work with our colleagues. This thing just happened.”

The more I learned about her marriage, it became apparent the affair didn’t just happen. The woman was quite angry with her husband for not appreciating her legal responsibilities and the long hours she worked. Often, she said, when trying to communicate with her husband, they would just end up in a “hateful shouting match.” But with her lover, she said, “It was just so easy”. As the woman paused in her story, the tears fell. “I could have tried harder to communicate at home,” she cried, “but I was always too tired!”

Overworked, overwhelmed, and over-burdened by their analytical minds and professional training, lawyers may be more vulnerable than most busy professionals to runaway emotions. It can just as easily be the unappreciated spouse who “falls” into an affair. Why this happens, and what purpose it serves, is complicated. In fact, one marriage-and-family researcher identified five different kinds of extramarital relations ... each serving their own purpose:

• An affair to avoid anger – The affair begins when an individual feels neglected but is uncomfortable getting angry at their spouse.
  
• An affair to avoid intimacy – The affair begins as a way to keep from getting too vulnerable and dependent on the spouse.
  
• An affair to fill a personal emptiness – The affair begins when one partner may not want a divorce, but can’t communicate their feelings of emptiness any other way.
  
• An affair to fill an empty situation – The affair begins when an individual can’t get along with their partner, but can’t get along without them either.
  
• An affair to say goodbye – The affair begins when one partner decides the marriage is over, but can’t quite end it. The affair provides a catalyst for moving on.

The Lesson: If one or both of you are feeling misunderstood and unappreciated all the time, this is a red flag. Talk to a professional about the feelings and doubts you have about your marriage.

By Fiona Travis, PhD, an excerpt from Should You Marry a Lawyer? A Couple’s Guide to Balancing Work, Love & Ambition (DecisionBooks 2003)

Return to Family Essays Index